The Web-head Made My Head Hurt

We finally got to see “Spider-Man 3” tonight. It was okay…I mean, it wasn’t great. If you only have time to see one movie this week then I’d probably recommend going to see “Hot Fuzz” and waiting for Spidey on DVD.

I should probably say that I really liked, nay loved, part one and two. In fact, I think that part one is probably one of the best comic book origin movies ever filmed. And in case you think I lack the comic book credentials to rate this film, let me say that not only do I own the first “Secret Wars ” series wherein the black suit makes its first appearance, I also own ASM #252, ASM #300, ASM #316…and well, basically every Spider-Man published since the early eighties. You can read up on those books here.

Part three just has way too many problems. First off, it fell victim to the Batman malaise and tried to introduce too many characters. Spider-man. Goblin. Sandman. Venom. MJ. Gwen Stacey. All of these are great characters, but in one movie they’re just too much.

For some reason they decided to make Sandman the killer of Ben Parker. This made no sense whatsoever. This only muddles, and in my mind lessens, the guilt that Peter carries around with him over letting that criminal get by him. The origin was portrayed so wonderfully in the first film, and why they decided to muck around with it is beyond me.

Spidey loses his mask about every other scene. I’m not kidding. And then the next thing you know he’s got another one.

Venom was cool, but far too underused. As one of the best directors of horror films, Raimi could have really let loose with Venom, but unfortunately that doesn’t really happen. And the introduction of the suit that will eventually become Venom is a big, big mess. Granted, the comic book origin of the black Spidey suit is as convoluted as the history of Islam, but the movie makes it so retard-simple you might be in danger of laughing at an inappropriate time in the theater. The suit falls out of the sky. Literally. The alien symbiote falls out of the sky and follows Peter home.

All of this I blame directly on director Sam Raimi. I love Raimi as a director. His frenetic and jarring direction and cinematography in the “Evil Dead” series should be mandatory viewing for upcoming directors, and his understated and frightening movie “A Simple Plan,” shows that Raimi doesn’t have to whip the camera around to make an impact on his audience.

Yes, Sam Raimi is a helluva director, but he’s not much of a writer, and Spider-Man 3 suffers most from weak dialogue and muddled plot points. Raimi’s movie “The Army of Darkness” plays like three separate movies, and the dialogue, while wildly entertaining especially while drinking, isn’t exactly Oscar-worthy. Here’s a taste of what Spider-Man is like. If you don’t feel like watching the whole clip (I’d watch it…it may be cheesy, but so are nachos, and I know we all enjoy those) you can skip to around 5:15 to witness Raimi at his dialogue cringe-worthy best.

For some reason I take it personally when a comic book movie stinks. Here’s hoping that Favs won’t mess up Iron Man, because I already know that the “Fantastic Four” movie will be a piece of shit. With Jessica Alba in a prominent role, how can it not be?

Categories: Comics, Movies | 1 Comment

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One thought on “The Web-head Made My Head Hurt

  1. Dick

    WTF?!! How can you say that Jessica Alba is going to make the FF a piece of shit? At least if the FF ,is in fact, a piece of shit, then at least we will have something decent to look at!

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