Hello, I’m A Christian. Do You Believe In God? No? *BANG*

Many of the political posts here may give you the mistaken idea that I’m a liberal””far from it. Their politically correct bullshit and censorship nonsense irritates me to no end. Liberals seem to think they know exactly what everyone should or should not see and hear, and if they had their way bad language, trans fats, and video games would illegal”¦you know, to protect the children.

Their latest bitch? The video game “Left Behind,” which is based on the novels of the same name written by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins. The video game takes place after the Rapture, and the player controls a solider who must convert those left behind after the Christians are taken into Heaven. Oh yeah, anyone who can’t be converted the player must gun-down with some totally sweet-ass weapons. Granted, you lose “spirit” points every time you shoot someone, but if you take the time to pray you can renew those lost “spirit” points.

And no, I didn’t make any of that up.

And wouldn’t you know it, Liberals are unhappy about this game. They say it’s “un-Christian,” and that it promotes violence. Buncha fuckin’ pansies. What could be more Christian than drinkin’ a few brewskies and takin’ out a load of non-believers with some Holy Hand Grenades and the Blessed BFG?

Amen I say to you–you shall know the Lord when you aim for the head and drop thine enemies with one shot.

I think in the not too distant future we’ll see a large religious separation that will make the Protestant Reformation look as mundane as the Bell System divestiture of the early 1980’s. As much as liberals are disgusted by these kooky and militant “Christians,” people who truly try to follow the teachings of Christ are disgusted even more. We need a way to differentiate between the wingnuts and the faithful.

Here’s my idea: we come up with a new name for true believers. As you may or may not know, “Christ” isn’t a surname (you wouldn’t say Mr. Christ) it’s actually the English translation of a Greek word which means “The Annointed One.” It’s more like a job title than a surname, and therefore “Christians” simply refers to the followers of the anointed one. Unfortunately, the yo-yos that advocate shooting non-believers have sullied that name beyond belief. We need a name that is not only catchy and hip, but one that also reconnects us to the spiritualism and philosophy that sadly, seems to have disappeared from Christianity.

I’d propose “Neoists.” Isn’t that cool? Neo, which is also Greek, literally means “new one,” so that fits in quite nicely with the whole messiah thing. Not to mention it was the name of one of the most spiritual fellows ever to bend a spoon. And as we all saw from the Matrix trilogy, the path to being Neo is indeed a difficult path to walk. Not only is it a path beset on all sides by sunglasses-wearing enemies, but it is also a path of philosophic and metaphysical complexity, which is something that has completely disappeared from most factions Christianity.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we should worship Neo from “The Matrix,” (although that actually makes more sense than Scientology, but whatever). I’m just saying that we could borrow the name to help remind followers of The One that there’s a philosophic and spiritual aspect that goes along with all the asskicking.

None of this, however, changes the fact that I think “Left Behind” would be a freaking blast to play. The sheer ironic hypocrisy of the gameplay is enough to make me want to buy it. If they really wanted to sell a lot of copies the creators would have created digital approximations of Michael Moore and Tipper Gore for the player of “Left Behind” to “convert” in the game. And what tools do we need to convert people like that?

Guns. Lots of guns.