By the Power of Greyskull! Jack Has the Power!

I’m sure you’ve all been following the Jack Abramoff scandal like good little citizens. You’ve probably been saying to one another how disgusted you are with the corruption in government, and proclaiming how we need sweeping reforms to excise these jackals from Washington. Truthfully, I’m finding it hard to get upset about this one and I haven’t given it a great deal of attention. Payoffs occurred, politicians were bought and paid for like commodities, free meals were had, Indians were defrauded, and one man got rich off of it all.

So explain to me again how this differs from a typical day of politics in Washington?

But this evening my whole attitude toward Jack shifted, and now I think the man should be tarred and feathered and possibly even punished.

I discovered that in 1989 Jack Abramoff co-wrote and produced the Dolph Lundgren vehicle “Red Scorpion.” I know”¦I know. The man is a menace.

To use political standing to defraud countless numbers of people simply maintains the status quo, but to attempt to create a second-rate Rambo out of the acting abomination that is Dolph Lundgren”¦ well, I find that unconscionable.

Dolph Lundgren, with his greased-up body, his spiky blonde hair, and his ridiculous unidentifiable accent inevitably destroyed any movie he touched. Damn you Lundgren! He-Man and the Masters of the Universe could have very well garnered Academy attention had you not botched it up! There would have been no need for Jonathan Hensleigh to remake “The Punisher” had you done your job correctly in 1989. And you know what? At the end of “I Come in Peace” when you tell the bad alien “You go in pieces, asshole” I didn’t laugh. I didn’t even chuckle. Your futile attempt at hero banter failed to find its mark.

If Abramoff had anything to do with Lundgren’s place in Hollywood then Abramoff deserves whatever punishment the grand jury threatens him with. Corrupt politicos I can handle, but woe unto him who seeks to further the career of Dolph.

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