The horror! The horror!

I fucking hate Wal-Mart. walmart

But not for the reasons you might think. I could care less that they run independent businesses out of town. It doesn’t bother me that they are probably single-handedly responsible for the demise of many American-based manufacturers. Their anti-Union policies bore me, and their support of China puts me to sleep.

Why do I hate them? Well, their total and complete lack of customer service pisses me off to no end. Tell me, what good are thirty lanes of cash registers if there are never more than five of the damn things open at a time? Also, do you think that Wal-Mart employees know that they might, at some point, have to interact with a customer?

Leigh also hates Wal-Mart, but not for the same reason. She hates it because of the rotten mood going to Wal-Mart engenders in me. On one occasion, we went to Wal-Mart for a handful of items. We went in, got our stuff, and were ready to go in under five minutes. When we got the the front of the store there were four, FOUR, cash registers open and each one had a line with no less than ten people. And each person looked like they were stocking up for a hurricane. Without saying a word I threw our items in the floor, including milk and bread, and walked out the door. We stayed away from Wal-Mart for several months after that little incident.

On Sunday we made another sojourn into the heart of darkness. I wanted to share the experience with my readers, but I think that instead of ranting like a madman I’ll relate the incident–and yes, it was an incident–in the form of a play.


INT. WAL-MART GARDEN CENTER. SUNDAY AFTERNOON.

MARK and LEIGH stand impatiently in line. There are eight to ten people in line and only one cashier working. The FEMALE CASHIER is joking with a MALE EMPLOYEE who is standing by the bagging area of the cashwrap. The MALE EMPLOYEE appears to be on the clock but is not engaged in any other activity other than joking with the FEMALE CASHIER. MARK and LEIGH movie up to the register, and without a greeting the FEMALE CASHIER begins to scan their items.

FEMALE CASHIER (scanning items)

I know, right? But I so damn tired from last night. Last place I wanna be is here.

MALE EMPLOYEE

Yeah girl, I know whatcha mean.

FEMALE CASHIER (still scanning)

Why don’t you take over for me then? You can scan these people awhile.

MALE CASHIER (laughing)

Hell no, girl. All the customers today are in a bad mood. Ain’t no way I wanna mess with them.

MARK (sarcastically interjecting)

Yeah. And you know what? Standing up here at the cashwrap, screwing around and talking about the customers’ bad moods, is sure to put them in a much better mood. Don’tcha think?

FEMALE CASHIER stops scanning. MALE EMPLOYEE stares angrily at MARK. LEIGH did not hear the exchange but looks curiously at MARK. The MALE EMPLOYEE storms off and the FEMALE CASHIER hands MARK the receipt.

FEMALE CASHIER (sheepishly)

Don’t pay him no attention. Thank you.

MARK and LEIGH begin to leave via the GARDEN CENTER exit.

LEIGH

Why was that guy so mad at you? What the fuck did you say to him?

END SCENE.




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