I Musta Protest!!!

Do me a favor people; try to resist the urge to ask for a pair of chopsticks while eating at a Chinese buffet. If you absolutely can’t wait to impress your friends with your chopsticking ability then buy a pair and show-off somewhere else, but don’t bogart my waitress by asking her to dig up a pair of chopsticks which are buried in the backroom of the restaurant.

Only pompous a-holes ask for chopsticks at a Chinese buffet. And please, don’t try to tell me that you’re simply following Chinese customs. The Chinese buffet is to authentic Chinese food as Mr. Yunioshi was to Japanese businessmen in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” When you pile food six inches high on a plate I don’t think chopsticks are the most practical utensil for transferring food into your fat mouth.

Here’s a practical way to decide when to use what utensil: When you arrive at your table use whatever the restaurant provides you, but if you don’t immediately see anything on the table ask yourself this: “Are we here to enjoy leisurely meal consuming a cuisine foreign to the country of my birth, or are we here to see who can eat the most plates of food without vomiting?” Competitive eating is an American sport so use American utensils and leave my waitress alone, because I need a refill on ice tea you pretentious jerk.

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