Cathartic Emailing

Just like Scott Adams, I consider myself a cynical optimist. As a general rule I tend to think that people are selfish and manipulative assholes, but at the same time I always try to find the upside to their assholishness. Case in point, spammy emails. Since I started using Gmail I very rarely get spam, but when one does happen to get through Gmail’s magnificent spam filters the cynical optimist in me kicks into gear. Today I received this email:

Dear Beloved
Calvary greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ,I am Evangelist Mrs Pearl Cole, I am 61 years old; I am now a new Christian convert,suffering from long time cancer of the breast.
My late husband was killed during the Gulf war, and during the period of our marriage we had a son who was also killed in a cold blood during the Gulf war.

My late husband was very wealthy and after his death,I inherited all his business and wealth.I selected you after visiting the website for this purpose and prayed over it,I am willing to donate the sum of $18.5000,000.00 Million US Dollars to the motherlessbabyhomes
,needy,poor,charity homes and widows too.

My personal physician told me that I may not live for more than six months Lastly,I want you to be praying for me as regards my entirelife and my health because I have come to find out since my spiritual birth lately that wealth acquisition without Jesus Christ in one’s life is
vanity upon vanity.REPLY AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

Mrs. Pearl Cole

The cynic in me knows that this “Mrs. Pearl Cole” is actually an out of work Nigerian who spends his every waking moment trying to con money out of dumbass Americans. However, the optimist in me sees this as an opportunity to let off some steam. I view emails like this as an opportunity, much in the same way that I view wrong numbers. An occasional wrong number doesn’t bother me, but the people that habitually and consistently dial the same wrong number, and then still have the nerve to act indignant even after you explain that “Steve Hernandez” doesn’t live at your freaking address, really get on my nerves. Which is why the last time they called and asked for “Steve Hernandez” I calmly explained that yes, he was here, but he was currently bleaching his butthole and would have to return their call when he was done.

They haven’t called back since. Which brings me back to Mrs. Cole. Wanna know what I emailed “her”? Sure you do:

Ms. Pearl Cole,

Golgothan Greetings from the Great Deceiver!

I am very excited to receive your money. I cannot believe my good fortune, as I am not a Christian! I’m a worshiper of the Morning Star, but I’ll gladly take money from a believer in the false Christ. I don’t understand how you got my name, but I’m very happy that you did!!!

May I ask you a few questions first? Was your husband brutally raped before he died in a cold blood? How about your son? That would indeed be serendipitous, if they were both raped before they died in a cold blood. Also, have you ever been raped before? If not, why not? If so, did you find yourself with a renewed sense of humanity after the encounter?

Just so you know, I am not a ” motherlessbabyhomes ,needy,poor,charity homes and widows too.” I am a devil-worshiping sodomite who loves pornography, alcohol, lesbians, tobacco, abortion, heroin, Hillary Clinton and Cheetos. Not necessarily in that order. As long as you’re okay with giving me money despite my lifestyle, then I am too!

I also will not be praying for you. However, I will make a voodoo doll of you, and I will anally rape it daily. Are your eyes blue or brown?

I assume you need me to send you money before I can get my big payoff. I’ve got my MasterCard all ready to go! Just send me all the pertinent additional information, and for Lucifer’s sake, be quick about it! I’d hate for you to go dying and burning in the sulfurous pits of the netherworld, all the while being raped by demons, before I get my check!

I look forward to hearing from you! Fuck your mother!

How rude of me! And your grandmother!

Best,
Mammon

PS- The title “Mrs.” is only used for married women. Your husband is dead and burning in Hell, sweetie. Time to move on to “Ms.”

As I’ve already said, the cynic in me knows that the email Mrs. Cole sent was a scam, but the optimist in me hopes that the scammer will receive my loving message and think twice about sending out the next set of phishing emails. Not everyone is as cynical as I am.

Plus, typing that out and sending it felt really good. Telling someone “fuck your mother” is rather cathartic.

We’ll talk about Chocolate Christ tomorrow.

And that thing that could kill you? Ah hell, that can wait, too.

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