Do we have the makings of a Holy War on our hands? I’m not sure, but I think the Catholic Church may be gearing up to enter the religious battleground and join the fray already in progress. If so, they’ll clash head-to-head with the Muslims, American Protestants, and the Bush Cabinet. Lock’em all in a big steel cage, and we won’t open the door ’till we have a winner! Four sects enter, only one leaves! Don’t miss it!
Why do I think the Catholic Church is currently montage-training for the big event? This past week, Pope
Palpatine Benedict initiated three ass-kicking religious changes to Catholicism. All of which are already infuriating other religious people.
1) He brought back the Latin Mass.
After Vatican II, which took place in the sixties, the Catholic Church began using the vernacular, or the language you and I speak, during Mass. Before that time Mass was only recited in Latin. Pretty good deal for the clergy, since they understood it all, but for the average Joe not a whole lot of the Mass made much sense, so they started saying it in English, or whatever the everyday language of the parishioners happened to be. Parishioners began to understand more about what went on every Sunday.
Well, Pope Scary Face can’t have that. Too many people asking questions. Best to keep the parishioners in the dark.
2. He said that Orthodox Churches “lack something because they do not recognize the primacy of the pope – a defect, or a ‘wound’ that harmed them.” That’s pretty good for insulting other denominations, but number three manages to shit right on top of the heads of anyone not Catholic:
3. The Pope stated unequivocally that other churches were in fact not churches, but only “ecclesial communities.”
I’m not kidding about that. This quote is from the AP piece: “‘Christ ‘established here on earth’ only one church,’the document said. The other communities ‘cannot be called ‘churches’ in the proper sense’ because they do not have apostolic succession – the ability to trace their bishops back to Christ’s original apostles.”
Long version: If you ain’t the Catholic Church then you can’t offer someone salvation because you don’t have apostolic succession (meaning you can’t trace your roots back to the apostles of Christ.)
Short version: Hey Muslims, Jews, Protestants, Anglicans…SUCK IT!
Predictably, many people seem upset about this. Buncha liberal cry-baby shit, if you ask me. What’s the point of having your own church if you can’t exclude and damn large groups of people? I mean, the only thing left is helping people and encouraging universal fellowship, and truthfully, where’s the fun in that? In my religion, Markanity, which is of course the worship of me, we believe that all other religions are not only blasphemous, but financially competitive. And that, my friends, is punishable by eternal damnation.
Steal my money? Burn, non-believer!
No, I applaud
Darth Sidious’ Pope Benedict’s actions. Enough of the mealy-mouthed, pussified rhetoric of John Paul. Rally the troops. Fortify and embolden the defenses. And prepare the congregates for action! The Muslims already are. And from watching “Jesus Camp,” so are the Protestants. And we all know GWB already thinks he’s doing God’s work, which frankly, makes me more than a little scared of God.
So preorder your tickets. Stock up on beer and chips, and get ready for a religious showdown of epic magnitude! The Catholics and the Muslims may be the strongest, but the Protestants are sneaky fighters. Place your bets, but remember, even if you win, we all lose.