A Virtual Planetoid

I did not watch the Presidential address last night. I was gonna, but the flounder episode of “Good Eats” came on, and AB will always trump Bush (and no, I do not think my priorities are askew). But I did read the transcript of it this morning while I was drinking my coffee. Coffee which, by the way, was decaf, because apparently I forgot to put “coffee” on the shopping list. So I had to sit at my desk, completely devoid of any caffeine, and try to plod all the way through Bush’s speech. I made it about half-way through before my web page was suddenly and inexplicably on Digg. I can only assume from his past speeches that the state of the union is in fact wonderful, and I am simply a total shit-heel for thinking otherwise.

After I realized I was on Digg I forced myself to at least try to look at the responses by some of the presidential candidates. I figured I’d start with Barack’s speech, simply because my non-caffeinated coffee was not succeeding in keeping me focused on the task at hand, and even if I disagree with him, Barack never fails to provide an excellent speech.

Before I go any further, and in case you missed it, here’s a video of Barack’s response to Bush’s state of the union:

I thought Barack actually wanted to become President, but after watching that monstrosity I’m beginning to wonder.

First off, was he filming that at my grandmother’s house? No, that looked like the bookshelf at the end of the hall at my grandmother’s house, all stocked with library resells and publications from the 60’s and 70’s, and gathering enough dust to make Indian Jones whimper. The clock stuffed precipitously above the books looks like something my grandmother would find “decorative,” and those books that are just thrown all hodge-podge on top of the rows of books is how she re-shelves. I haven’t spoken to her in a few days, but I’d imagine that if Barack stopped by for a little filming she’d have called.

Why was Barack dressed like Will Smith from “Men in Black”? I kept waiting for him to pull out a flashy-thing.

And what the fuck was up with the abrupt cuts in the video? Was a ninth grade AV student editing that damn thing? And what cross-eyed sonofabitch blocked and set up the shot? We’re at a head shot and for no reason we’re suddenly in a Wayne Campbell extreme close-up? Barack’s a handsome and statuesque man, but at first he looked like an animatronic bust, and then they pushed in so far that Barack’s head completely filled the screen, which resulted in him looking like a bobble-head doll. By the end of the speech the shot made his noggin look like an orange on a toothpick.

Whoever directed that little video needs to have his butt spanked. I’m serious. That’s the only way to handle that level of incompetence. Just take the guy out back, make him turn to face the wall, bend down and grab his ankles, and then whack his heiny about five good times with a paddle. Maybe a little red-ass will be an incentive to learn how to shoot a video.