Schadenfreude, Compliments Of VH1

Some days I accomplish a good deal of writing: I work on my novel, publish what I consider an entertaining blog post, and tag several humorous or intriguing links for the next days link dump. When I fall asleep at the end of the day I do so with a feeling of pride and the contentment that comes after a job well done.

Today was not one of those days.

I’m almost embarrassed to admit that I spent the entire evening, four hours to be precise, watching a marathon of “The Surreal Life” on Vh1.

This season boasted the D-list celebrities of :C.C. DeVille, Sherman Hemsley, Tawny Kitaen, Steve Harwell, Alexis Arquette, Andrea Lowell, Maven and Florence Henderson.

If you know more than three of those individuals you probably watch waaaay too much T.V. I knew all but two, if that tells you anything about my viewing habits.

I freely admit that I take an unhealthy amount of joy in watching the disasters that these celebrities make of their lives.

Take Tawny Kitaen for example. You remember her. In the eighties she dry humped and writhed on top of the hood of two Rolls Royces in the Whitesnake video “Here I Go Again.” Through the course of her stay in The Surreal Life House Tawny self-destructs so completely that by the end of the last show she only speaks in unintelligible mumbles. She even passes out in the floor of her closet while packing to leave.

And Florence Henderson? She passive-aggressively attacks the Playboy playmate on several occasions, and at one point reduces her to tears.

Still haven’t marked this down as a “must-see?” At one point Maven, a former WWE wrestler, and Alexis Arquette, the transsexual sibling of David and Patricia, nearly get into a fistfight with a bunch of frat guys at a bar. Alexis grabs a big table umbrella and screams at the homophonic frat guys “I’ll fuckin’ take all you bitches out!” If that’s not entertainment then I don’t know what is.

Needless to say, I didn’t get any work done.

And I think I may be a little bit dumber too.

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