Monkey Steals The Peach

roosterFrom the Fond du Lac Reporter: “A 27-year-old Beaver Dam man charged with groping two Beaver Dam police officers has been bound over for trial…According to police reports, Greenleaf approached an officer that was investigating an underage drinking party at a home on Sloan Circle, put his arm around the officer and allegedly grabbed the officer’s genitals. After being verbally warned that he could be arrested for such conduct, Greenleaf approached the officer again and grabbed him in the same manner, the report said.”

First off, I sure hope the 27-year-old ball-grabber was drunk, or at least a little bit buzzed. And unless I’m mistaken, apparently the peach-juggler wasn’t even at the party the officers were investigating. Did he just wander up, see the officer, and get the urge to touch some crime-stopping testicles?

I love stories like this, because I always imagine them as a movie. Picture this:

It’s a cool night in an innocuous looking suburb. A police officer walks up to an Animal House-like party, complete with a front year full of empty kegs andplums toga-wearing party participants. He surveys the situation, and grasps the walkie-talkie on his shoulder to report back to HQ. In the background, strolling down the sidewalk, just slightly out of focus, we see a guy stop and look at the party, then at the cop, then at the party, and then back at the cop. He slowly makes his way up to the officer who is talking on his radio.

“10-4. I’ll wait for Officer Montgomery before I approach the house.”

The leaves crunch underneath the passerby’s feet as he stops shoulder to shoulder with the officer.

eggs“Gonna get’em on disturbing the peace?”

The officer seems surprised that someone is standing next to him. “Uh, yessir. Please, we’ve got this under control.” The officer takes a subtle step forward and resumes looking at the party. The passerby ignores the rebuke, and steps forward to realign with the officer.

“I heard you on the radio when I was walkin’ up. You gotta wait on backup?”

The officer sighs and answers without turning his head. “It’s never a good idea to approach a load of drunks without a partner. He’ll be here soon enough.”

The passerby scratches his chin, pops his knuckles, bends slightly at the waist, and with his right hand palms the officers penis and testicles and gently squeezes.

The officer yelps like a startled dog, jumps sideways, and narrowly avoids falling down. “What the FUCK are you doing?”

The passerby seems slightly annoyed at the outburst. “Is that a trick question? I was grabbin’ your balls. Geez. Calm down.”

“Sir, please get back on the sidewalk. If you touch me again I will not hesitate to arrest your ass.”

The passerby begrudgingly makes his way back to the sidewalk, but does not leave. Instead he just stands and stares at the officer.peaches

The officer turns back to look at the party, which has suddenly lost any type of importance for him, and furiously clutches his walkie-talkie. “HQ, give me an ETA on Montgomery ASAP.”

Before the dispatcher has a chance to answer, the officer feels a familiar hand grasp his most private of privates.

Later in the evening, Officer Montgomery would have to explain to his chief how when he pulled up to the party he saw his fellow officer screaming like an infantryman, pepper-spraying a man directly in the eyes who was crouched on the ground on all fours. A man, who, it appeared to Officer Montgomery, was violently lunging and attempting to grab the pepper-spraying officer’s groin in-between blasts of pepper spray.

(If more than one person out there actually gets the significance of the title to this post I will be amazed.)

Categories: Jackassery | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “Monkey Steals The Peach

  1. peachless

    so, is this a move that you have actually practiced??? I can picture this being taught in class. I’ druther be the monkey here.

  2. Flood

    Hey Leigh, the peachless tag doesn’t fool anyone.

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