I Don’t Feel So Go…Wait, I’m Fine

I just read a Reuters article about Bird Flu which claims that “A Chinese man who died of pneumonia in 2003 and was at first classified as a SARS victim might have in fact died of avian influenza.”

Let’s look at that closely, shall we? First off, the guy had pneumonia. That’s a down-home sickness I can get behind. It’s been around the block and killed lots of folks along the way. I respect that.

But plain old pneumonia wasn’t good enough was it? Nope. Suddenly they, and by they I mean whoever is in charge of scaring the shit out of us, suddenly decided to classify his pneumonia as SARS, the sickness du jour.

Now they’re claiming that what the doctors first classified as SARS may in fact have been Bird Flu. SARS is so last season.

At first I felt a bit scared, because apparently this illness mutates faster than Wolverine on meth (I have no idea what that means), and is a master of disguise. Next it’ll assume the symptoms of syphilis or maybe whooping cough or ass-rash. (That’s a real thing”¦I looked it up)

My fears disappeared as I got to the end of the article and read this: “The H5N1 avian flu virus has swept across most of Asia, into parts of Europe and Africa. While it is mainly a disease of birds, it occasionally infects people and has killed 130.”

I’m something of an amateur writer, but I don’t think I’d use the verb “swept” to describe the actions of a virus that only killed 130 people. Give me a freakin’ break. 130 people? And it’s made its way through Asia, Europe, and Africa? I bet more people died jerkin’ off than from Bird Flu. What if 200 people died last year from drinking-straw related accidents? Would we call that a global killer?

The media shouldn’t even report on this stupid thing until it kills at least a thousand people. Maybe even two thousand. At least wait to report it until it kills more people than food poisoning.

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Comments

  1. Cyn says:

    mutates faster than Wolverine on meth

    good ‘un..even if i still don’t know what that means

  2. Anonymous says:

    killed more than million birds so far in yrs.but of course till it kills billion in yrs you mite not be worried.

  3. Anonymous says:

    A million birds, you know what I am thinking, that’s right less bird shit on the cars. any species that refuses to shit responsibly deserves what it gets! A little consideration for the rest of the residents of the earth might be in order here.

    Then, thank of all the roast duck and fried chicken that we are missing out on know. I even think that the prices at KFC have gone up. Those fucking inconsiderate birds, if they just had better hygiene. . . .

    Have we been keeping a census on these guys? ’cause it might be like the Chinese lose a million here and a mil there and who would notice? And then if there are that many maybe we need to work harder to keep ’em down. I don’t know about you, but I saw Hitch’s “Birds.” You let them get organized and they will just fuck us over! All they are good for is keeping the bugs down ’cause that population is just out of control. I guess we should keep some of them around.

    Colonel “Fucking” Sanders

  4. Anonymous says:

    What an insinsitive prick!

    We are looking at a problem that could devestate our eco-system. I think that only a moron would look at this problem so blaisely.

    Yeah people are important, but we are not the only ones on the planet. We should be looking at this epidemic more carefully!

    I really think that the govenment should be working on a vaccine that we could administer to our bird friends. They deserve that much consideration.

    I refuse to comment on that other moron’s assinine statements! Instant karma is going to get you. . .

    Chia peta pet

  5. Mark A. says:

    I didn’t realize this was such a contentious issue. After rethinking the whole thing I realize we should probably declare war on the birds. After all, are they not biological weapons of mass destruction? Clearly, they hate our freedoms, especially since our freedoms include eating them.

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