Guy’s Big Bite Bites My Ass

I realize that I probably spend entirely too much time watching the Food Network. I’m pretty much an Alton Brown devotee, but I’ll watch whatever piece of shit the Food Network decides to air. Hell, I’ll even leave Ray Ray on as long as it’s not a marathon.

But dammit, I just can’t stand Guy Fieri. The dude is a complete douchebag. I mean, just look at’em:

Douchenozzle

I suppose I could call his culinary style “fusion,” but only if I’m being nice. If I’m being honest I’d describe his culinary style as “dumbshit cuisine.” Since he doesn’t really know how to make classical dishes, he simply throws a bunch of stuff together and calls it “manly.” His culinary knowledge makes Ray Ray look like Julia Child.

He calls roasted red bell peppers “red bells.” ‘Cause he’s just that cool, ya’ll.

When he has to take his jewelry off to actually touch the food he says he’s going to “de-bling.”

He has the hairstyle a twelve-year old wannabe skateboarder and he shapes his goatee. He also wears his sunglasses on the back of his head, just in case you didn’t see his totally badass tattoos and miss the point that he’s a fucking rebel.

I hope the peroxide that Guy Fieri uses to bleach his stupid, spiky hair soaks through his skull and into his brain, and he slowly goes insane before finally choking to death on a red bell.

Categories: Jackassery | Comments

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Comments

  1. karen says:

    Yes, but how do you feel about him?

  2. Chris says:

    yeah….. I kinda didn’t like him much either, but DAMN, Mark, vent a bit whyn’tcha??

    Don’t be such an AB snob……. Heh

  3. Ostrich Rider says:

    Now, I’m a connoisseur of fine hate, and that is some damn delicious hatin’!

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