Get Off Your Ass

I didn’t expect to post anything today because I wanted to get the site done. Ted Stevens decided to fuck that up too.

I’ve posted on internet neutrality before so I’m not gonna explain the concept again; expect to say that you want net neutrality. Otherwise AT&T, Verizon, et al, will institute “tiered access,” and jack up the price for the same service you’re receiving now.

On Thursday the Senate voted on a bill that contained a net neutrality provision. It deadlocked at 11 to 11. There have been some vocal opponents of net neutrality in the House and Senate, with Ted Stevens being the most vocal. You remember Ted? The crazy Senator from the great state of Alaska? (Just an aside, but why do Alaskans even need representation? There’s like, four of them, and I know they don’t have the internet yet)

I’m posting his transcribed speech courtesy of They have an mp3 of it as well. I will interject small comments parenthetically and bold them. I won’t say much, because I don’t wanna take anything away from Ted’ illuminating genuis. I’m so glad we have someone deciding the fate of the internet who understands it so well.

“There’s one company now you can sign up and you can get a movie delivered to your house daily by delivery service. Okay. And currently it comes to your house, it gets put in the mail box when you get home and you change your order but you pay for that, right. (Uhhh, I guess so. I’m confused as to what you’re talking about but I’m sure it will all make sense”¦)

But this service isn’t going to go through the interent and what you do is you just go to a place on the internet and you order your movie and guess what you can order ten of them delivered to you and the delivery charge is free. (I’m guessing he’s talking about Netflix, but even their biggest plan only allows you to keep four discs at a time. Maybe he’s just confused. Please continue, Ted)

Ten of them streaming across that internet and what happens to your own personal internet? (Personal internet? Okay, now he knows something I don’t”¦)

I just the other day got, an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o’clock in the morning on Friday and I just got it yesterday. Why? (Holy shit! Someone sent him a whole internet!!! How’s that even possible!)

Because it got tangled up with all these things going on the internet commercially. (Wait, they sent him an internet through the internet? And is the internet like rain forest with vines and trees hanging down so traffic gets “tangled?”)

So you want to talk about the consumer? Let’s talk about you and me. We use this internet to communicate and we aren’t using it for commercial purposes. (What? I missed that last part because I was confirming an order from Amazon and scoping out some sweet comics at eBay. Did he say anything important?)

We aren’t earning anything by going on that internet. Now I’m not saying you have to or you want to discriminate against those people […]The regulatory approach is wrong. Your approach is regulatory in the sense that it says “No one can charge anyone for massively invading this world of the internet”. No, I’m not finished. I want people to understand my position, I’m not going to take a lot of time. [?] (He’s right. I do not want Job or Agent Smith invading the internet.)

They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet. And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It’s not a truck. (Right. It’s a delivery sytem but it can’t handle dumpage. And watch out for the vines.)

It’s a series of tubes. (What the fuck? Maybe he’s drunk.)

And if you don’t understand those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and its going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material. (Wait, I thought this was a speech about the internet? Does he think the internet works like the sewer system?)

Now we have a separate Department of Defense internet now, did you know that? (Ummm, yes I did. In fact, the DOD owned the very first internet and intranet networks waaaaay back in the sixties. Our current lines are based on those primitive networks.)

Do you know why? (Ummm, to watch porn and bitch about movies like the rest of us?)

Because they have to have theirs delivered immediately. They can’t afford getting delayed by other people. (Yeah!!! DOD employees need their porn NOW!)

[…]Now I think these people are arguing whether they should be able to dump all that stuff on the internet ought to consider if they should develop a system themselves. (Again, the internet is not a sewer Captain Dipshit.)

Maybe there is a place for a commercial net but it’s not using what consumers use every day. (Well slap my ass and call me Charlie. Did he really just say that a commercial network is not for consumers?)

It’s not using the messaging service that is essential to small businesses, to our operation of families. (I think he’s drunk again.)

The whole concept is that we should not go into this until someone shows that there is something that has been done that really is a viloation of net neutraility [sic] that hits you and me. (Please, please hold your applause.)”

I didn’t make any of that up. He really said all that idiotic shit. He reminds me of a crazy relative that you try real hard not to sit next to at Thanksgiving. The only difference is that he’s a senator and not an out-of-work handy-man.

Look, click on the banner on my right side-bar and learn about net neutrality. There’s a link on that page that takes you to an app that will let you email your Senator and you House Representative. Please write them. It doesn’t have to be long letter just tell them in one or two sentences to support net neutrality. This isn’t about wanting to get free stuff from legitimate companies. It’s to make sure those companies don’t destroy what we already have. Get off you ass, dammit.

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One thought on “Get Off Your Ass

  1. Consumer Chris

    Okay, so now I know who to blame when your site screws up. It’s all those damned tubes, clogged with all those CONSUMER’s useless and unwanted commercial products! Damn it, why are they shopping the Net when I want to communicate with my family!! We just need more TUBES!! Or maybe some Drano, I’m not sure…

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