Dude, Don’t Fear The Reaper!

Can we please all calm down about the spinach? Geez. Americans are the biggest group of alarmist nitwits on the damn planet. Only three people have died. THREE! One of the three was seventy-something, the other was an infant, and I think the last one actually choked to death because the spinach clogged up his feeding tube.

I’m only guessing on that last one.

Some people just don’t seem happy unless they’re under the impending threat of total annihilation. Not me. Don’t tell me about the dangers, because I don’t give a shit anyway. You know why? Because I’m smart enough to know that my normal, daily life holds more dangers than a stupid bag of flora.

I drive every single day, and three hundred people are killed in car accidents every second (I made that up). I live each day with the knowledge that the Al Qaeda Iraqi-Islamofacist-terrorist-evil-doers will eventually blow my infidel-ass right into the sky. Hey, don’t contradict me; I listen to the news and I know I’m only on borrowed time. I bathe””people drown. I walk””people fall and break their necks. I sleep””some people never wake up.Death Melvined

Look, life only leads to one thing””Death. There’s not a helluva lot we can do about that. We’re all scared of the big D, which I find a bit ironic since 90% of the country professes to be Christian, in which case we should all be rushing off to the pearly gates, but whatever. So live life to its fullest, because in the immortal words of Ferris Bueller, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop to look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

Have an extra helping of salad; order that hamburger rare; go swimming right after you eat. When Death comes for your soul do your best to feign melancholic acceptance, and when his guard is down punch him right in the throat and Melvin him as hard as you can.

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