Celebrity Gossip: Hyperliterature Style

I try my best to keep celebrity gossip off of this page. Unless, that is, you act like people that I grew up with, and then you end up making page one.

I absolutely hate celebrities, i.e., people famous for nothing more than being famous. We all know their names, even though we wish we didn’t. They enthrall us mere mortals with their drunken escapades and their lurid sexual adventures, and like the worshipers of pagan religions we send them our money and adoration as sacrifices. They flaunt their wealth and privileged lives right in front of us, mocking us, and we cannot get enough.

skeletorYou know what my favorite celebrity gossip is? That’s right. Bad celebrity gossip. I love it when something bad happens to one of the Olympians, the facade breaks, they fall from the mountain smack onto their face, and everyone realizes they’re just as rotten and messed up as the rest of us. I giggled like a schoolgirl when Mel ranted in a drunken fervor about the Jews; I clapped my hands in glee when Tom started bitching at Matt Laurer about psychiatry; and with each successive picture of Nicole I enjoy her anorexia more and more. I quote George Carlin when I say, “Rich cunt don’t wanna eat? ”¦fuck her.”

Here’s my current favorite group of “celebrity” pictures. They’re of Christina Aguilera in what I can only assume is a Halloween costume of some sort. While you’re enjoying the ridiculousness of her outfit, I’d like to draw your attention to the comically disproportionate sizes of her breasts (it’s easier to see them in the pics at the bottom of the page) If she worked as a shot girl in a skeevy college bar I’d say that she lacked the funds to get two implants, so she bought one boobie with tip money and is waiting on her welfare check to get the other one out of lay-away. But she’s not poor, and presumably she has a mirror, so I can’t imagine a situation wherein she requested misshapen knockers. Plus, don’t you think she looks more than a little like Alex de Large? Here”¦compare the two:

compare

See. She looks just like him. She also seems to be applying make-up in the same manner as de Large:

eyes

Whew. Scary. Maybe she’ll get arrested for beating a bum to death with a billy club. One can only dream”¦

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  1. […] As I’ve said time and time and time and time and time again: I do love me some celebrity bad news. There’s just something about the downfall of a narcissistic asshole that puts a big old smile on my face. […]

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