Primeval PSA

Have you seen the trailer for the new movie “Primeval”? No? Well, here, take a look before we go any further:

“World’s most prolific serial killer,” isn’t that what the trailer just said? Well, the “serial killer” is a giant, pissed-off crocodile, that can jump on top of things like a raptor, and who screams eerily similar to Mothra.

Don’t let the trailer fool you. There is no serial killer in this movie. I’ll say again. There’s an enormous crocodile that hunts people, and the movie is completely devoid of serial killers. It is in essence, serial killerless.

Not only does the movie sport a giant, man-eating crocodile, but it sports a giant, man-eating, poorly researched crocodile. Apparently, the filmmakers couldn’t be bothered with watching a couple of episodes of “The Crocodile Hunter” before making this movie. Hell, I’m no biologist, and even I know that Crocs don’t possess the right kind of muscle structure that would allow them to leap straight up into the air. I’m also pretty sure that if a normal sized croc can’t outrun a man on land, then a twenty foot croc weighing well over one ton probably couldn’t either.

To add to the movie’s overall craptastic factor, it features a literal redshirt. Yeah, they don’t even try to hide it. I saw him in the shirt and thought surely it was a bait and switch. No such luck. The redshirt gets eaten.

Don’t get me wrong; I love really crappy horror movies about preternaturally intelligent animals. I just want to know that the movie I’m about to see is a crappy horror movie, and not some semi-serious serial-killer movie. (I feel I should clarify something. I like movies with preternaturally intelligent animals, but not ones with animals that have sleuthing and detective skills, a la “Jaws: The Revenge”).

Now here’s a good animal/monster movie with an unbelievably large reptile:

“Primeval” was no “Alligator.” Shit, “Primeval” wasn’t even “Piranha” quality.

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