Eat This

I love to cook and I love to eat. I love all types of food, too. I am not a discriminatory eater and I don’t believe that Coq au vin is necessarily superior to a Taco Bell Crunchwrap supreme.

Although, I have noticed that a lot of people don’t know how to eat correctly. Let me rephrase that: I’ve noticed that a lot of people assume a much more pretentious outlook to eating than necessary. I’m a people watcher and I have observed that some folks feel the need to use their fork and knife in culinary situations that do not require a fork and knife.

Some things were made to be eaten with your fingers. Utensils simply complicate the process.sandler.jpg

Take pizza, for example. Pizza never requires a fork and knife, unless of course you’re attempting to eat the pizza as soon as you remove it from the oven. During this “cooling-off” stage the cheese possesses the consistency and temperature of napalm and will scorch the skin right off the roof of your mouth. And don’t come at me with the “Well, what if the slice is too wide? Then I can use a fork, huh?” No. You cannot. Simply crease the bottom of the slice and eat it like a taco. Presto. Your tummy is full and your fork is clean.

fajitas1.jpgKeeping tacos in mind, let’s move to my next complaint. Living in San Antonio I’ve eaten my fair share of Tex-Mex, and let me tell you that nothing singles out a tourist faster than when some poor slob futilely attempts to cut up a taco. Pick the damn thing up, fold up the opposite end, and devour that buen alimento. (Just to clarify: a taco is some sort of filling–picadillo, barbacoa, carne guisada– wrapped up inside a soft tortilla. You must specify types of tacos beyond that: crispy, puffy, etc.) Do not use a fork to eat: chalupas, nachos, fajitas, empanadas”¦the list goes on and on. You do, however, need to use a fork to eat your rice and beans”¦alright, a rolled-up tortilla will work just fine too.

bbq.jpgOkay, last one, and this one is just as Texaspecific as the Tex-Mex. Barbecue. Do NOT snob-up a barbecue dinner. Use your hands to eat brisket, ribs, chicken quarters, hell, even sausage. It is perfectly acceptable to eat any of these with your hands. We were at a social gathering recently and I watched a couple from Pittsburgh attempt with firm resolve to eat sliced brisket with nose-in-the-air affectation while using proper utensil etiquette. Now look, sure you can do it that way, but it’s totally unnecessary. Here’s how you eat sliced brisket: Hold a piece of white bread in your left hand and with your fingers place several pieces of brisket on the bread. Top with onions and pickles, fold the bread in half, and eat. A swig of beer at this point is optional but encouraged. What about sauce? Pour a generous pile on your plate and dip your sandwich to your heart’s content. You should treat sausage the same way as well as chicken. Here in Texas the only time you should pick up your fork is when you want a generous bite of baked beans, cream corn, or cole slaw.

And lest you think this little idiosyncrasy of mine derives from living in a state known for boorish manners, you should know that other cultures use their fingers as well. I bet you didn’t know that the Japanese consider sushi finger-food, did you? Yep, it’s true. Granted, with some Americanized maki and urmaki rolls you almost need a ladle to consume, such is the heap of add-ons our sushi chefs pile on. But it is perfectly acceptable to eat traditional rolls, sashimi, and even nigiri with your fingers.

So go forth and get messy.

Categories: Jackassery, Texaspecific | Comments

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Comments

  1. Chris says:

    Whew! I was worried there for a minute. I thought you were about to rail against people eating with their fingers. (Worried flash back to 4th of July) I eat as much as I am culturally allowed with my fingers. God made ’em, I use ’em. I often eat salad that way, and have been known to eat such things as spagetti with my fingers when the need arises. Tastes better that way!!

    ‘Course, things often taste absolutely the best after midnight, in the dark with only the light above the sink on, hunched over the sink to catch spills as you scarf whatever glorious find you have scavenged from the depths of the refrigerator, milk (still in the carton) sitting conveniently nearby.

  2. Flood says:

    An aside: Superman was excellent. A little slow to start and a little slow to finish, but a great movie two watch. You could appreciate him a little more, and the Clark Kent stuff didn’t get in the way. I liked the homages to the Christopher Reeves films, I am sure that I couldn’t pick them all out but I did see a few and I liked them. I liked the end with his son as well. connects him with people a little more, the thing that he was missing at the beginning of the flick.

    A couple of problems: You would think that they could figure out how to land a spaceship without crashing it all over the place. And sometimes Superman is a moron. Come on man put 2 and 2 together and your get. . .

    If your want to argue we can get more specific.

    About food: SOmetime you need a little help. I would agree with most of what you are saying, but sometimes you need to show people how its done, especially those peeps that don’t know about bbq. But sometime it’s okay to use utinsels. What about a burrito? sometimes a fork and a knife are required.

    Different strokes. I think that you could be a little more excepting of other people as well, what’s up with making fun of the peeps. Come on we are the world right, we are the people?

    And who really thinks that the Japanese are cultured, except the japanese (and the ones cowed by their ninja mind tricks)? Certainly not the chinese!

    And I wish you had a different font for sarcasm.

  3. Anniina says:

    😎 OMG you just made me so hungry!!! Cruel to do such a post without a prompt accompanying offer to FedEx folks food from Texas :drool:

  4. hypermark says:

    Chris: I totally agree with you. For some reason fried chicken tastes the best at 3:00 in the morning.

    Flood: Not only can Superman not land a spaceship correctly, but for some reason he didn’t foresee the possibility that Lex might attack him with kryptonite even though he’s done that very thing EVERY TIME they’ve met. And yes, you have to eat burritos with a fork”¦especially if you drown them in queso which is pretty much required. And are you insinuating that I’ve somehow been cowed by ninja mind-tricks?

    Anniina: Sorry about that. I was actually pretty hungry writing the post. It kind of sucks writing about all that good stuff and the microwaving a Lean Cuisine.

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