If there’s one thing I’ve learned this summer, it’s that I’m apparently not appropriately masculine.

In hindsight, I’ve probably possessed this deficiency for quite some time, but the release of Bay’s “movie,” “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” has made my lack of testosterone blatantly obvious.

I feel I should elaborate:

I thought the first “Transformers” movie (no, not this one. I love that one) was an egregious piece of shit. Story-wise the movie was an illogical mess, the performances were absolute rubbish, and because Bay is an ADHD sufferer who self-medicates with methamphetamine, the film direction and editing was so manic that during the fight scenes I couldn’t tell the Transformers apart. The single, solitary saving grace of the first film was Peter Cullen, but since Bay obviously doesn’t understand: 1) Prime shouldn’t be painted like a fucking 1960s dragster; 2) Other than combiner Transformers, Prime is one of the most powerful and combat savvy Cybertronian warriors around, and thus, he shouldn’t get his ASS KICKED every time he fights; I was unable to even enjoy Cullen’s performance.

Fast-forward to this summer. “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” (henceforth will be referred to as “Tranny Revenge”), is premiering in the theaters. People ask me if I’m going to go see it. I unequivocally say “no.” They look surprised and ask “why.” I say: “Because the first film made me want to use the Ultimate Nullifer to erase my childhood so that I don’t even remember the original Transformers cartoon.” The inevitable reply: “Yeah, the story might have sucked, but Megan Fox is sooo hawt!”

The assumption here, I suspect, is that I should be so manly that I would want to go see a film because the woman in it is so damn attractive that I’ll forget the awfulness occurring on the screen around her. Don’t get me wrong, Megan Fox is hot in a pornstar-going-mainstream kinda way, but if she can’t do anything interesting besides stand around and look hot, well, I’m going to stop kidding myself and just get a porno flick. That whole “WOW SHE’S SO GORGEOUS” thing only lasts for about a minute. Then the actress needs to start acting.

There’s a whole list of movies besides “Tranny Revenge” my lack of manliness caused me to dislike: “Tomb Raider.” “Fantastic Four.” “Catwoman.” Anything with Lindsay Lohan. “The Deep.” “Into the Blue.” Those are just off the top of my head. I’m sure there are a lot more.

I guess story-driven action films like the Harry Potter series, “The Dark Knight,” “The Matrix,” “Iron Man,” and others, have emasculated me to the degree that stripper boobies and silicone lip injections no longer lull me into complacency. More’s the pity.

Do youself a favor and skip Bay’s “film.” Sure, you’ll miss stellar performances, like this, from Shia. And you won’t see Megan Fox. But with that time and money you save you’ll be able to buy a six-pack of beer and enjoy a decent “Transformers” movie. You can always download porn afterwards if that’s what you’re after.

Summer officially began on June 21th, but it’s been summery-hot since April here in San Antonio. Grilling and BBQing are intrinsically tied to summer, so I thought for this Hypercooking episode I’d take the camera outside. This go-round I’m covering BBQ chicken, but I also talk a bit about grill basics, BBQ sauces, BBQ rubs, and the difference between gas and charcoal grills.

If you take nothing from this video, remember this: grilling and bbqing should be social events. Standing over a fire cooking food should be a spectacle. Practice a few times and then have a party (don’t get too drunk until you finish cooking). Cook with flair. Have some drinks. Tell some jokes. Share good, homecooked food with your close friends. Don’t pay a restaurant for the privledge helping you and your loved ones create memories. You can do that yourself, with much better food, in your very own backyard.

Quick clarification: BBQing is when low, indirect heat cooks the food over a long period of time. Usually there is smoking involved with this process. Grilling is simply cooking over a grill. In this episode I use the terms pretty much interchangeably, and I realize that will irritate some people. Sorry.

During this episode, I mention Chef Todd Mohr’s YouTube cooking show “Cooking Coarse.” This is the episode I was referencing. I highly recommend watching Chef Todd’s other episodes, as they are all excellent.

Also, this is the basic ingredient list I used for my BBQ Rub. Feel free to adjust it to your taste (mine is fairly spicy).

1/4 cup dark brown sugar
3 tbs black pepper
3 tbs kosher salt (only use kosher; if you use table salt you will have to adjust the volume)
1 tbs hickory smoked kosher salt
2 tbs sweet paprika
2 tbs Hungarian paprika
2 tsp garlic powder
2 tsp onion powder
2 tsp celery seeds
2 tsp cayenne pepper

This will keep for a couple of months without degrading in flavor. Keep it in a Mason Jar with holes punched in the top for easy shaking. To store, simply put some plastic wrap over the top of the jar, screw on the top, and put your rub in your pantry.

Special thanks go out to Leigh, who helped me film the last portion of this ep.

While Leigh and I were in Las Vegas last month, we stopped by Centaur Art Galleries, which is something we try to do anytime we’re in Sin City.

Up until this year we’ve been able to refrain from actually purchasing anything.

This year they got us. Big time.

Here’s our Picasso. Be sure to click for the larger image.

The painting is titled “L’araignée,” which means “The Spider.” Here’s the story behind this painting, which I swiped from this website:

A series of 31 prints, considered to be among Picasso’s most
important graphic productions, of animals, birds, and insects. Picasso
created these images from 1936 to accompany the classic natural history
text by the French naturalist Georges-Louis Leclerc Buffon (1749-1788)…These stunning
images are of animals, birds and insects. They illustrate a series of
books dating from about 1750 to 1800 called the Histoire Naturelle. The
books were written by Georges-Louis Leclerc, later known as Comte de
Buffon. The books describe the entire natural world…The
thirty-one prints took Picasso just a month to complete. Picasso used
creatures he remembered from his childhood, and animals from the zoo
and the circus. He was particularly fascinated by the pigeon, Spanish
bull and cockerel. He treated each animal individually using different
artistic techniques. The prints were published in 1942.

There are 226 editions of this painting in existence, and only 31 of those editions contain an additional suite of aquatints. We have one of those 31. Additionally, Picasso wrote the title of the painting with his own hand at the bottom of our edition.

For the art nerds out there, this link will take you to the entry for L’araignée at the On-Line Picasso Project from Texas A & M University.