As a Texas citizen, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank the citizens of Alaska.

In Texas, we’ve got Matthew McConaughey and the McConaughey Clan, which includes such esteemed citizens as Rooster and Miller Lyte McConaughey. Texas is also the birthplace of Jessica Simpson, and unfortunately, I have to assume that it was here, in the Lone Star State, where she learned that chickens are underwater-dwelling creatures.

Mount Carmel, Texas, was home to David Koresh and his merry band of party-goers. What wonderful Texas representatives those folks were.

The Texas Congress showed the world how to vote with integrity.

It was the Houston Police dept. that invaded a home because of an erroneous “weapons disturbance.” In reality, the apartment belonged to a gay man who just happened to be having sex with his partner when the police unlawfully entered his home. Thankfully, the police apologized profusely to the law-abiding couple for barging in on their love-making. Just kidding. They arrested the filthy, filthy sodomites and took them to jail, just like any good Texan would do.

Despite the fact that Barack Obama has been a member of a Chicago Presbyterian Church for nearly twenty years, 1 in 4 Texas citizens still believes he is in fact a Muslim. We can sniff out those damned dirty Muslims here in Texas.

Baylor University, one of the most prestigious private colleges in Texas, offers a post-graduate degree in Creationism.

Yes, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Alaska because despite Texas’s reputation as the land of idiocracy and general douchiness, the spotlight has been moved to shine on that wonderful state north of Canada.

Thank you, my friends, for making us Texans look a little better in comparison.

P.S. I have some friends in Florida that would like to send their thanks as well.

So who’re you voting for?

Umm, Obama.

So you’re a Democrat.

Uh, no.

Well, you’re voting for Obama.

Technically, I already voted. And yes, I did vote for Obama. But I don’t consider myself a Democrat.

Well you voted for one.

Yeah, but that doesn’t make me one.

Well, if you didn’t vote for McCain then you’re a liberal.

What? That doesn’t make any sense.

Sorry, that’s just the way things work.

Yeah, but I’m not a party-line kinda guy. I find blind party affiliation intellectually lazy.

Well, the world is much easier to understand if you simply act according to your role within said world. You voted Democrat; hence, you’re a Democrat. Get with the program.

Well, there are some Republican policies I agree with, and there are some Democrat policies I agree with. It’s just that I think Obama is a much better choice for the country than McCain, which is why I voted for him. In 2012, the Republicans might have a stronger candidate than the Democrat candidate, which will mean I would vote Republican.

<sigh> One more time: you vote Democrat, you’re a Democrat. You vote Republican, you’re a Republican.

But that’s just fucking stupid.

No, that’s the way of the world. Live with it.

<sigh> Fine…I’m a duh…deemmm…demmmmooo…..Look, I can’t simply force myself into a slot in which I don’t fit.

Oh, I get it now. Sure. We get this all the time. That just means you’re supposed to vote Nader, and we throw your vote into that trash can in the corner. Isn’t representative democracy fun?