Ellie and I fell asleep in the recliner tonight. When I woke up Letterman was on, and in my groggy mind it looked as if he was interviewing a tanned skeleton that was wearing a wig. I grabbed the remote and hit “info,” and I found out that the creature in the chair was not a skeleton, but was in fact Eva Longoria.

The woman needs to eat a chili-dog every now and then.

Back to sleep.

• The FAIL Blog
  Fails of all kinds.

This news is still developing, but apparently John Edwards will announce this afternoon at 1 P.M. EST that he will be dropping out of the race. An “aide” inside his campaign claims that Edwards will not immediately back either Obama or Hillary. Another says that whatever he does he will not be supporting Hillary. Those aides. Notoriously cagey bunch, ain’t they?

I’d always thought that Edwards was simply biding his time to drop out, and would then add his delegates in with Obama’s for an Obama/Edwards tag-team (I hear Obama has a killer suplex). I just thought he’d do it after the amazing, astonishing, incredible, sooper-dooper Tuesday. But if there will be an Obama/Edwards ticket, this makes total sense. What better way to kill any coverage of Hillary’s imaginary win in the imaginary Florida primary than Edwards dropping out?

I’m embarrassed to say that I did not think of that intelligent proposition. I cribbed it from a poster in a Fark forum. I can haz plagurizm? Kthxbi!

I did not watch the Presidential address last night. I was gonna, but the flounder episode of “Good Eats” came on, and AB will always trump Bush (and no, I do not think my priorities are askew). But I did read the transcript of it this morning while I was drinking my coffee. Coffee which, by the way, was decaf, because apparently I forgot to put “coffee” on the shopping list. So I had to sit at my desk, completely devoid of any caffeine, and try to plod all the way through Bush’s speech. I made it about half-way through before my web page was suddenly and inexplicably on Digg. I can only assume from his past speeches that the state of the union is in fact wonderful, and I am simply a total shit-heel for thinking otherwise.

After I realized I was on Digg I forced myself to at least try to look at the responses by some of the presidential candidates. I figured I’d start with Barack’s speech, simply because my non-caffeinated coffee was not succeeding in keeping me focused on the task at hand, and even if I disagree with him, Barack never fails to provide an excellent speech.

Before I go any further, and in case you missed it, here’s a video of Barack’s response to Bush’s state of the union:

I thought Barack actually wanted to become President, but after watching that monstrosity I’m beginning to wonder.

First off, was he filming that at my grandmother’s house? No, that looked like the bookshelf at the end of the hall at my grandmother’s house, all stocked with library resells and publications from the 60’s and 70’s, and gathering enough dust to make Indian Jones whimper. The clock stuffed precipitously above the books looks like something my grandmother would find “decorative,” and those books that are just thrown all hodge-podge on top of the rows of books is how she re-shelves. I haven’t spoken to her in a few days, but I’d imagine that if Barack stopped by for a little filming she’d have called.

Why was Barack dressed like Will Smith from “Men in Black”? I kept waiting for him to pull out a flashy-thing.

And what the fuck was up with the abrupt cuts in the video? Was a ninth grade AV student editing that damn thing? And what cross-eyed sonofabitch blocked and set up the shot? We’re at a head shot and for no reason we’re suddenly in a Wayne Campbell extreme close-up? Barack’s a handsome and statuesque man, but at first he looked like an animatronic bust, and then they pushed in so far that Barack’s head completely filled the screen, which resulted in him looking like a bobble-head doll. By the end of the speech the shot made his noggin look like an orange on a toothpick.

Whoever directed that little video needs to have his butt spanked. I’m serious. That’s the only way to handle that level of incompetence. Just take the guy out back, make him turn to face the wall, bend down and grab his ankles, and then whack his heiny about five good times with a paddle. Maybe a little red-ass will be an incentive to learn how to shoot a video.

My mother always says she thinks I have a warped sense of humor. I prefer to think of it as a perfected sense of humor. I love witty humor and clever humor, subversive and ironic, satirical and parody. But my favorite kind of humor? Gotta go with juvenile. There’s just something about a good fart joke that gets me every time. I was watching Benny Hill the first time I can remember laughing so hard that my sides hurt and tears streamed down my cheeks. Benny was holding a huge gong in front of him, and the guy that was supposed to hit it missed the going entirely and smacked Benny right in the nuts. I’d never seen anything so damn funny.

We had a pretty big VHS collection when I was younger, and some of our tapes had small sections that had been watched and re-watched so many times that the quality was noticeably bad. Case in point, “I’m Gonna Git You Sucka.” I still lose my mind when Chris Rock says “I sho am hungry!”:

Our tape of Transylvania 6-500 was also in bad shape. Not the whole thing, mind you, just the portions with Michael Richards. The bit where he “slips” on a banana peel just slays me.

More recently, my tape of Half-Baked, like many other people I assume, got plenty of replays. I loved the portion with Bob Saget at the NA meeting, but I’ll put the tape in specifically to hear the guy yell out “I seen’em!” after Saget boldly makes his proclamation.

Another good line delivery occurs in Mike Judge’s “Idiocracy” during the presidential speech. I go nuts when the dude screams out “That’s what you said last time, DIPSHIT!” It happens at about 3:50 into the clip.

And I’m sure Leigh is tired of seeing this last one. Anytime this episode of “Scrubs” comes on I have to use the DVR to watch and rewatch this scene no less than 50 times. Guess which bit’s my favorite. No, go ahead and guess:

I need to end this quickly because “Raising Arizona” just came on T.V., and I’ll be forced to watch and rewatch the part where H.I.’s cell-mate talks about eating frogs, crawdads, and sand. You ate what? Sand. You ate sand? That’s right.

• Instructions For Owning A Baby

• FTW
  Police in Bedford, Texas, are trying to crack the case of a thief who threw an egg at a 7-Eleven cashier and ran off with a burrito.

I’ve thrown a few parties in my time (one was so grand I may have to blog about it), but I’ve never thrown one where more than five hundred people just wander up. I remember an old Janeane Garofalo joke about the difference between Gen X and the Baby Boomers. I’m paraphrasing, but she said that Boomers worked hard and busted their collective asses so that their kids didn’t have to. And guess what? WE DIDN’T!

Normally before I go to sleep I lie in bed and read for a while (Right now I’m on Sagan’s “Demon-Haunted World“). If I’m not careful, I’ll read for several hours before I realize it, so I’ll usually force myself to put the book down so I’m not all red-eyed during my first class. Sometimes I’m so worked up after whatever I’ve been reading that I can’t sleep. Occasionally I’ll mentally jog mountain-bike trails to help me go to sleep. Other times I’ll try to push everything out of my mind and repeat the word “and” over and over until I drift off. Since I’ve been reading Sagan I’ve been feeling a little more philosophical and the like, so after I closed my book last night I tried to mentally determine how I formed my individual episteme.

At first I thought about over-arching forces, such as being an educated southern male or the friends and role models that I’ve had, but that got boring. Frankly, those things were far too easy to identify. So then I tried to identify seemingly inconsequential locations of influence. For instance, I sucked at science in high school, but more than thirteen years later I’m heavily interested in scientific discoveries and the scientific method as it applies to our culture in general, and my life specifically. Obviously, reading stuff from folks like Michael Shermer, Stephen Jay Gould, and Carl Sagan might have something to do with that interest. But as I thought more about it, Alton Brown has probably had more of a constant, everyday influence than any of those guys. Sure, Carl Sagan had a much bigger impact on the world of science than Alton Brown, but I watch Good Eats every day, sometimes twice a day, and A.B. is one hell of a science teacher. Not to mention his version of scientific inquiry usually leads to some seriously good eats.

It also occurred to me that despite everything I’ve read from people like Michel Foucault, Karl Marx, Hobbes, Orwell, and so on, I’ve probably been shaped more by people like George Carlin than I have traditional philosophers. I’m such a stand-up comedy junkie that if I’m being honest I’d have to admit that people like Carlin, Miller, Rock, Pryor, Black, Cosby, Kinison, Stewart, and so forth, have had defining roles in my life. Much more so than those other guys.

Those are just two examples of things that came to mind. Here’s a brief list of some of the other things:

1. Kevin Smith movies. Kevin made me feel okay about being an extroverted, popular culture nerd.
2. Hair-band music. As much as I like to pretend to be an intellectual I’ll always be only two seconds away from banging my head and letting metal health drive me mad.
3. AD&D (more specifically, 3rd edition). In our small town the game was demonized by the local churches. Actually playing it and seeing how ill-informed those people were really had a big impact on me.

So, what are some odd things that have had an impact on the knowledge you have and the ways you apply that knowledge to the world?

So here’s the thing: I’ve obviously been gone for a while. I haven’t meant to be, so I’m very sorry. But if it’s any consolation, I have a very good reason.

During Christmas Leigh was working in Los Angeles for a States-based Japanese company. My semester didn’t end until around December 15th, so as soon as I could I flew out to L.A. to spend Christmas with my lovely wife.

I found myself in trouble as soon as I got there. First, I couldn’t find her office. I tried looking her up in the building directory but I couldn’t find her name, and unfortunately I wasn’t getting any reception on my cell phone, either. I finally realized that she was listed under maiden name. I felt really stupid.

After I finally found her I had to wait in her office forever because she was in charge of organizing the company Christmas party. Although, while I was waiting for her I met a guy named Ellis that was pretty damn entertaining.

While I was waiting in Leigh’s office, I heard some commotion coming from the party. I stuck my head out to catch a peek, and I was shocked to see twelve guys waving around guns. I was able to sneak up to the roof of the building and use a walkie-talkie to call for help, but get this: the dispatcher thought I was making a phony phone call. I mean, you’d think I was ordering a pizza instead of reporting criminals! And when the police finally showed up some jackass named “Dwayne” tried to tell me I was helping the criminals. The nerve of the guy!

Anyhow, I was finally able to save Leigh and get out of there, but not before two FBI agents died in a helicopter crash and the bottom three floors of the building exploded. I did strangle one guy with a tow chain and push one of the bad guys off the fortieth floor of the building. So there’s that.

So that was my Christmas. I don’t even want to tell you what happened on New Year’s.